Tuesday, October 26, 2004

stupidly lost

this was my supposedly entry last oct 17. this was my last entry in my journal notebook.

October 17, 2004

It’s two months since I knew something about him. I have used that “idea of the soon to be us” as my reason to get up in the morning.

This would be the last entry about him and about my feelings for him and the situation I am in right now.

One week ago, I learned that he already left the country for a 6 months job at Bahrain. Yesterday, it was confirmed to me that he already had a steady gf. It pains me to know that there is really no way for us to be together.

If there is one good thing I gained from this experience, it is just the thought that, it is possible for someone I really regard special to actually think of me in the same manner, maybe not the same intensity as I have for him, but just the mere idea that he likes me too pleased me.

It is the “what if’s” that is killing me. But I guess, it was something that didn’t happen at the right time. When he was busy asking for my number, I was busy trying to learn how to do the history of my patient. When I was the one less busy and more available, he was by that time busy with his work, probably tired of finding a way to reach me and maybe getting busy with someone else, someone who can find time for him.

This something sad. I was trying initiate something during the 2nd week of September. And yes, it was not successful. We had three exchanges of some messages and that was it. I was clueless at that time. But all I am sure of was that, he may not be interested anymore. When I told this to some of my friends, who knew him through my lame stories, they just say maybe “he is really busy with work.” All I said was “Baka nga.” But at the back of my mind I was entertaining negative thoughts. Because I believe in the statement “Pag gusto maraming paraan, pag ayaw maraming dahilan.”

“Kung ayaw talaga sa akin, ayaw talaga. Ganun ata talaga yun.” Now I am back to the start again. I am middle of my journey to the path of my dreams and goals in life. And right now, though it is really hard to admit, it would really be a pleasant and a wonderful journey if I have somebody right now. I feel like a looser after admitting this. But right now this is what I really feel. This is how it is for me right now. I am just being true to my self.

And the hardest thing is that, I can’t just entertain anyone to be with me. I have possible people on mind right now. And if he’s not one of them, then maybe I rather journey alone. I rather be with myself and wait for someone who I think I can be with.

I don’t have high standards for my life. All the people I like, fall in these categories. Their either tall, dark and not one them is really handsome (but for me they are). The one I had a big crush on during college was tall a guy. The one that I think I had fallen in love with two years ago was dark. Then right now, this engineer guy is tall and dark. The plus thing there was that he was an engineer.

But oops, their all gone. The tall college guy is currently married with his HS girlfriend. That was sweet. And dark guy, I don’t have any update about his life. And now my engineer is out of the country. And maybe after six months he will back to marry his current girlfriend, which is something I am expecting to happen since he is already in his late twenties. I guess he really wants to settle down.

I cannot wish for his current relationship to end. Because I am not like that. I can only wish that maybe in god’s time our paths will cross again. And I am hoping that when that happens both of us are happy and contented with what we have in our lives.

I have written this entry for myself.

This would be the last I would write about my engineer guy and about my feelings for him.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

this is my first entry. i should make sense. but i'm lost for words. in about 20 mins i have to be in my class which i paid for yet i don't see the immediate relevance of the subject in my life right now or in the future. why is this so? i don't know.