nalulungkot ako

nalulungkot ako

ewan ko ba. kj nawawalan ng gana sa laht ng bagay

alam ko na may dapat ayusin sa buhay ko pero parang ayaw ko simulan
tamad na tamad akong magsimula at gawin ang dapat gawin

ayusen ang dapat ayusin

ngayong araw na iti, i choose to live for myself

i choose to do things because i think na yun ang dapat ko gawin.

hangang 12 midnight gagawin ko ang mga bagay na maiisip ko na makakpag pasaya sa akin

pero pag may duda ako hindi ko itutuloy

=)

nothin much to say

nothin much left to say

i said my part

gud that he knows
masaya kc malaya na ako sa mga damdaming pilit na kumukulong sa akin

i just said my piece

up to you to react or do something or do nothin about it

the decision to make is yours
do what you think is fair, for you anf for me.

thanks but no thanks

something new is about to come in my life....

first time in history of my life na magkakaroon ako ng pet dog at excited ako sobra

para siyang bagong baby

isa ciang gift from a friend and i like it.
and excitedna ako ipa vaccine cia, maghanap ng karton para tirahan nia, mag prepare ng milk nia hehehe

kahet na weekends lang ako asa bahay, na excite ako

sana alagaan cia ng kapatid ko =)

bibile ren ako ng dog belt

madumi daw cia kase lalaki

wala ako paki kase hinde naman ako mag lilinis eh hahaha tamad

masaya lang =)

its more than just doubt

ganun ata talaga.
hinde siya basta basta nawawala. mahirap siya na pawiin.

sobrang na miss na kita. pero sobrang inis na inis na ren ako seyo dahil wala akong idea sa kung ano ang nangyayare sa iyo.
mahirap ang sitwasyon ko umaasa sa bawat hakbang na gagawin mo. nag aabaang sa kung ano ang susunod kong gagawain.
hanggang ngayon nahihirapan pa den ako. we need to put things at rest

or kung one way man ang lahat ng ito, dapat ko na siguro ipahinga ang idea of
"us"

i need to let go. god help me. i need to separate myself from you. i need to get a way and get a new life
i need to be more than just your option. or i rather not be one of your options.

i want to be just the plain someone that my future partner wants to be with. maybe not all the time but at least he will be able to make me feel that he needs me and he wants to be with me

ayoko na . ang mushy na. pagod na ako. sawa na ako.

sana hindi ka na lang ulit mag text. bahala na lang ako sa sarili ko.

iisip ako nag paraan para mapalipas ang lahat ng ito

pero galit ako sa iyo. at gagawa ren ako ng paraan na maiparamdam sa iyo na galit na ako

feeling ko yun ang dapat. because all this time ramdam ko you take things for granted. you don't take me seriously. you thought you just cant get away with everything. pero this time, i'm really tired. pagod na ako

sawa na ako. hinid na nga ako naiiyak. nag sasawa na ren ako.

bahala na bukas o sa isang araw. bahala na pag nag text ka. bahala na.

doubt is good

doubt is good

doubt makes you year for the answers to the questions that bothers you a lot.

mahirap. masyado akong paranoid

masyado akong nag-iisip, masyado akong nag duda

why are you keeping? are you keeping for the wrong reasons? i hope not. i really hope not.

are you keeping me just because you know that i can't let go of you , of us?

do iwant to be with you, but o f course.
do i want feel your embrace, but of course
do want to be in your arms, but of course

but i don't want younot being consistent.

i don't like you being such a mystery to solve
i don't like keeping me hanging, just hanging there and not doing anything about us...


we are ok. but the questions that need to be answer, is until when are we gonna be ok?

when will be the time that we are gonna talk about this. about us.

because i'm tired. i'm really really tired.

and i don't like going around in circles.

pabalek balek lang tayo katulad ng dati. katulad ng dati.

hangang kelan ito. gusto kong matahimik.

i want to keep you, but i don't like this bouts of doubt that haunts me every time your not being consistent. i don't like these intermittent episodes of worrying and doubting, if tomorrow you will still be there. i don't want to rush you if you still don't want to talk. i don't want to push the idea of talking, because i dont want to scare you away. i want to keep you for now

pero

ewan.

basta andun yung doubt.

andun lang siya

sana magawan mo ng paraan. sana magawan natin ng paraan.

hei

i just ate my word.

at napatunayn ko talaga na babae ako

i believe in the slightest possibility that there is this chance that things between us can really change

marame nakwento ang pinsan ko
at muli tumaob ang bangka ko. para bang mas lalo akong nangailangan ng sagot sa marami kong katanungan

nakakainis. naiinis ako.

mahal ko pa ang mokong at hindi ako maka alis sa sitwasyon ko. ayoko mag give up kung alam kong may pinanghahawakan pa ako

hindi ko alam kung paano magsisimula.

hindi ko alam.

i just ate my word

i'll be older, a little wiser and livin' my life a little better

tomorrow i'll be 25. perhaps i'l be more wise tomorrow than today.

i dont know.

eto lang yung pede ko sabihen sa kanya.

ayaw ko na. tapos na ko. sumuko na ako.

nasasaktan na lang ako sa paulit ulit na takbo ng sitwasyon natin. tama, ako lang naman ang nahihirapan.

ako lang naman ang umaasa. tigilan na lang natin ito. tapusin ang kalokohan. hindi pa kita pwedeng maging kaibigan. not now. not until the time that i know i am completely over you, over sa idea ng us sa future. hindi ko ren alam kung kailan lilipas. pero sisimulan ko na ngayon.

ilang beses ko na ba sinabe ito. ilang beses ko na b iniyakan ang mga pagkakataong naiisip ko na wala talaga tayong patutunguhan. what puzzle's me is that why keep me?

why were you nice to me? why were you sweet? why cant you just let me go? why cant you just find somebody new? do you think you can keep me as a back up? well excuse me... i'm more than just a back up.... irather be with someone who will consider me as their own...

i'm tired. i 'm really really tired. sagad sa stress ang buhay ko ngayon. tapos dadagdag ka pa. wag na lang. susuko na lang ako.

kung ikaw gusto mo mag stay. then do as you please. but don't expect me to be there nor reciprocate nor even reply to your texts.

kung tatanungin mo ako ulit kung galit ako. sasagutin ko na yung tanung mo. oo galit ako. galit na galit ako. pero wala akong magagawa kung talagang ayaw mo na. o talagang hindi mo lang alam ang gusto mo. hindi kita pipilitin, hindi kita mamadaliin. pero hindi na kita hihintayin. hindi na kita aasahan.

i'm hurt. but these things ang the things i did, did not make me less of a person. i dont have any regrets. i just don't have anything to offer right now.

please go away now. it would be nice if you could just disappear in my life. please go now, for the second insult have left me wounded.

i do what i want to do

when i woke, i just realized that these mundane feelings has stay for a reason

this is me. this is what i want to do for now.

i will get tired, be bored, maybe impatient

but for now, i decide to stay, be hopeful, with a little doubt

doubt is good cause as paolo coehlo says in his book, doubt allows us to learn all the possible answers to one question.

i'm here. i'll stay. i'll wait no matter what results should it yield.

you still love me, so what?

i still love you, so what?

did our conversation changed anything with the way we see each other?

did it bring hope for anything in the future? i dont know.

i dont want to know. you are the most unpredictable person in the world.

and i think you exist to make my world so difficult right now.

i was depressed for the past three months. i thought i met the criteria for depression, weight loss, poor concentration, poor sleep, loss of interest, lost of motivation. i know i was having reactive depression

and then there you are texting me and telling that you still love me. That no matter what happens you will still love me. what the fuck?!@ and you expect to be happy and reconcile with you. Hello!

duh. you just made my three months worthless. i wasted three months, thinking and hoping ang praying we can work it out and that you are coming back. then i gave up and started accepting that there were no more hope in us. and as i said on my previous entries, i was in the middle of learning to unlearn the feeling i have for you.

i hate myself for dwelling on these futile feelings that is not bringing me anything but insecurities. and if you think you can win me back that easy. well i'm sorry. but you have to have more than the words that you offer. i need to see more tangible things from you. you need to be more that what you have been before

and i hate myself, that i know i can give in anytime. that my defenses are low right now. and i hate to admit that you still have that power over me. i hate you for coming back. but at the same time, i know i've been praying for this to happen

confussion envelopes me right now.

please be nicer. please be nicer. for the second insult shall break me apart

and now you're back

so why then your number suddenly showed up on my phone.

i dont know what is your real intentions were, but definitely yo made my world turn around again

i'm in the middle of trying to unlearn everything that has anything to do with you.

i'm so more than willing to turn my back and walk away silently and smoothly as possible.

but, oh wait. a sudden appearance of your number on my phone, made me think twice.

made me think 1000x.

and i hate what i am right now. i hate that you still affect me. i hate the fact that everything in my life right now has something to do with you.

maybe i still like you. maybe.

ironically sometimes silence means everyhing you need to know

para bang kailangan mong basahin ang ibang mensaheng kanyang pinaparating

siguro yung ang matagal mo ng gustong sabihen at hinde lang ako marunong makiaramdam

o talaganag hindi pa lang ako handang tangapin ang mga bagay bagay

haay naku tama na nga etong kalokohang ito.

masakit isipin, nakakalungkot, nakakapanghinayang

pero ako naman ang unang may gusto. ako naman ang unang umayaw, dapat ko lang matutuhang tangapin ang kinahihinatnan nang aking mga desisyon.

dapat kong tangapin...

dapat kong matutunang tangapin

----
madameng mga bagay ang masyadong eksaheradong tingan ng nga tao.

may mga bagay naman na inaakalang madali ngunit sgad sa butong pagod pala ang kahihitnan kapag iyon ay iyo ng hinarap

madamdamin kong hinarap ang mga nakalipas na buwan.

at alam kong marame din akong napag sa walang bahala...

madame na akong kailangan baguhen dapat simulan at dapat ng tapusen.

at sa ma oras na ito nagsisimula ako and i feel better.

silence was

If You Forget Me

by pablo neruda

I want you to know one thing. You know how this is: if I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window, if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash or the wrinkled body of the log, everything carries me to you, as if everything that exists, aromas, light, metals, were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me. Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me I shall stop loving you little by little. If suddenly you forget me do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you. If you think it long and mad, the wind of banners that passes through my life, and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots, remember that on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land. But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me, ah my love, ah my own, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, beloved, and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine.

hei

hinde pa tapos ang duty ko
i need to study about pneumonia
iknow nothing about the patient
ang hirap namn nito

sana ok na

pagod na ako
i still have 3 data bases to finish

i'm tired

i am lonely

i am a bit depressed siguro kc sobrang pagod hinde ko na magawa ang mga dapat ko magawa

mag vitamins kaya ako?


haaay

hopefully this day ends nicely

no regrets

i'm happy

i'm not angry. nor i don't despise you. i'm hurting but yet i'm happy everything turn out well.

i'm happy you were able to make it easy for me.

you don't have to say it, but i understand perfectly what you meant.

i don't need to hear the exact words but i still want us to talk. para naman at least bago matapos ang lahat we had at least one sensible conversation.

i miss you. i will miss you.

take your time to think. i'll take my time moving on.

this is not a good feeling. not a good state. but better than hanging somewhere.

i don't feel anything bad for you. i don't have anything bad for you

i only wish we will continue to be friends. i know we will.with the way our text conversations were going yesterday night.

til next time.

enough about the asking

my cousins have been telling me things about you

things like you were always asking about me, how am i doing

things like that.

from those things i know were are back to stage zero.

or maybe there is nothing , as in really nothing to be hopeful for

for you may only have the courage to ask about me but never have the enough courage for us to talk about what happened, nor confront me about what happened

or maybe i still like you that is why i want to disillusion myself in believing you will run after me after what happened

but in reality you will not come after me for you already got tired. you realize i'm not the "one".

there is nothing to hopeful for. for you are just a guy, who got tired of what we have and silence was your way out of everything

and i have to understand that no matte5r how hurtful it might be.

maybe i'm still hurt. i don't know. i'm not crying any more. but still there were those lonely times aggravated by seeing happy couples in my environment.

lonely times that were so bagay to the lonely weather (oh how so cono this statement)

no more waiting. do whatever you wanted to do. i'll live my life the way i need to live it.

thanks but no thanks

it was finally over

like what i said in my message to you

god knows i waited for you so long. i liked you since we were kids. i learned to love you and accept you for a year now.

and then all of a sudden, after 2 1/2 months i ended our blissful romance. i decided to let go of you. why?

i'm not sure of the real reason. Maybe i'm afraid that if i hold on to you, i might loose my self. maybe that even though i have you, i don't really have your heart. i'm afraid i'm keeping you for the wrong reasons.

what i'm sure of is that your not ready.

figure out first what you really want in life. if you really want me in yours. you had your chance. i gave you that chance.

i know i did something that our situation was asking for.

i am still hurt. and i still feel bad. i still love you. i still am hopeful for us to be friends again

a little hopeful for the "us" in the future.

for now, i have to be away from you. i guess i love myself more than what i have for you.

thanks but no thanks!

now its finally over

after a 2 1/2 months of blissful romance, few surprises, a magical night, i decided to finally end it.
the hapi times seems inadequate to masks the reality of the situation.

i'm tired. your probably tired hearing all my drama. i'm sorry.
or on the other hand your probably waitin for me to set u free.

sad. but i guess some good things has to last.
it hasn't really sink in to me.