hard habit to break

your my hard habit to break.

i am so used to this kind of situation with you. i am so used to us.
and i dont know if i am tired. but my emotions right now, are speechless.

nothing much to say. tired. scared. mixed emotions with nothing much to offer.

well, llis told me that i saw this comming. i was stubborn. or hopeful.

i dont know. yeah i am stubborn.

from 1 -10, i put you as my seven. yeah just seven. yet ask why i am still here.

i am hopeful. but emotionally exhausted. really emotionally exhausted.

maybe you rate me as a 7 too. that's why ur treating me like this.

i know you've changed. and so many things tells me you've changed.

but yet, a big part of me tells me to back out. run away.

for you can suddenly changed your mind and leave me in the middle of somewhere. that i can't wait to happen.

this is an unfamiliar territory. this things, i know nothing much. my knowledge in psychology fails me here.

i am still praying that we can fix the "us" part. but prayers are not helpful, if each of us is uncooperative.

ron told me, i dont have to decide now. not soon. he told me to enjoy what's left and try to nurture it.

i will delay the decision making for now. well, i am not the only one to decide. you, too, have to decide

there are many better things to think about. i dont need to waste my neurons for something like this.

i am still here. i still put you as my seven.

but i hope you can help me changed my mind.

nothing much to do

i don't exactly know what i will do next with my life.

i am 26. i have doctorate degree. i just graduated. i just have six wonderful digits after my name. and i dont have any idea of what i will do next with my life.

well i have set goals like everyone. this year i plan to rest. not to work in a big hospital. just do some doctor stuff in seting where there will be a little less number paients than what i had when i was an intern.

basically i will yet start to realize the life of an adult.

i am scared.

natatakot ako magsimula ulit. to start introducing myself to everyone. to start establishing my name. hinde ko alam yung ibang tao parang tuwang tuwa makakapagsimula sila.

ako. syempre masaya ako. pero na overcome ako ng takot. naduduwag akong maging mag-isa.

magulo yung utak ko. halata sa mga sinusulat ko.

bahala na bukas. i'll take everything one day at a time.

today i plan to finish my resume
tomorow i will call 2 hospitals and ask for their requirements. this will be my job hunting week. hopefully it will give me positive vibe...

one question i wasnt prepared to answer

in one of our lunch break...(me and my studym8s) talked about the questions that we were asked back when we were applying at st lukes for med skul and as to who was our interviewer.

i remembered then, the person who interviewed me was the head of the registrar. she had three questions for me. first one was the most common question...on why i choose to be in medskul. the second one was to explanation a quotation from her bowl of quotatations hehehe

and the third one was situational. i wasnt expecting it.

here was the situation "what if i had bf since first year and then third year comes, this bf of mine left me". i was a little confused. silent for a moment. thinking is this a trick question.

and then i answered "ok lang" " i guess thats how it is. everybody gets hurt, who doesnt right" she was a little surprised with my answer and said somethings that i dont exactly remember.

i think i was the only person asked about relationships...i didnt realized it was so important until i saw people coming from bad break up of 6 or 7 yeras.

some were suicidal, some where a little bit transformed into a negative being you barely knew,some got a little bigger horizontally bigger, some were depressed for a while.

but hei...these girls are still here surviving medical school. still finishing internship or clerkship and passing the board exams.

break up probably have delayed them from finishing things on time. but hey nobody is in a hurry...the important thing is they reached their goals and were able to realized their dreams.

i still dont understand why the registrar ask me that particular question...but if she would ask that today, my answer would be the same.

in reality however, its different. i would probably be hurt so bad. cry my ass out. but hei, that doesnt mean m weak. a bit emotional but still rational.

this one person cannot stop me from getting what i want. you may get me out of focus at times, paralyzed for a few days. but hei i survived my previous years without you, will i not survive this one?

the presence of this one person should be a source of hope, support, love, the butterflies in the stomach, and everything beautiful. he would momentarily be a times source of frustrations on the small stuff

but when things doesnt seem to be working as it was supposed to. there is no point in pursuing things. well easier said than done.

i said my piece. i was the one hurt but yet i was the one making peace. i tried. i guess i am tired, i need a break from all this stuff. i need peace.

one question i iwasnt prepared to answer