you still love me, so what?

i still love you, so what?

did our conversation changed anything with the way we see each other?

did it bring hope for anything in the future? i dont know.

i dont want to know. you are the most unpredictable person in the world.

and i think you exist to make my world so difficult right now.

i was depressed for the past three months. i thought i met the criteria for depression, weight loss, poor concentration, poor sleep, loss of interest, lost of motivation. i know i was having reactive depression

and then there you are texting me and telling that you still love me. That no matter what happens you will still love me. what the fuck?!@ and you expect to be happy and reconcile with you. Hello!

duh. you just made my three months worthless. i wasted three months, thinking and hoping ang praying we can work it out and that you are coming back. then i gave up and started accepting that there were no more hope in us. and as i said on my previous entries, i was in the middle of learning to unlearn the feeling i have for you.

i hate myself for dwelling on these futile feelings that is not bringing me anything but insecurities. and if you think you can win me back that easy. well i'm sorry. but you have to have more than the words that you offer. i need to see more tangible things from you. you need to be more that what you have been before

and i hate myself, that i know i can give in anytime. that my defenses are low right now. and i hate to admit that you still have that power over me. i hate you for coming back. but at the same time, i know i've been praying for this to happen

confussion envelopes me right now.

please be nicer. please be nicer. for the second insult shall break me apart