ang nakakapagod kong buhay paminsan minsan

ang buhay ko minsan, nakakapagod.

hindi ko malaman kung paano patakbuhin.

kilala ko ang sarili ko, pero ang mga tao sa paligid ko minsan mahirap tantyahin.

mahirap mangapa ng damdamin, lalo na yung mga taong sa una pa lamang sarado na agad ang pintuan pati bintana para sa iyo.

wala namang problema sana, kaya kng manuyo at makisama. pero ang mas natatakot ako

mas natatakot ako sa sarili ko, pag nagasawa ako.

pag mas pinili ko na lamang mawalan ng kiber o paki alam sa mga tao sa paligid ko, sa sitwasyon ko.

kasi alam kong klahit anong pilit ko, ako naman ang pilit na magsasara ng sariling mundo

mahihirapang bumukas, ni pang unawa hindi ko na kayang ibigay.

nakakapagod kasing manuyo, makibagay.

mahirap. nakakapagod. nakakayamot. mabigat ang pakiramdam

kaya pag nangyari iyon, pasensyahan na lang.

sa ngayon kaya ko pa makibagay, makisabay.

pero pag nasagad na hanggang dulo

pasensya, alang samaan ng loob.

tulad mo, ako ren ay tao lamang.

ang pagiging socially responsible

med mission again.

saan daw? Talao-talao

quezon po iyon.

anong meron?

lahat andun. lahat ng gusto kong gawen andun.

kakapagod iyon, pero kaya.

sana hindi mapolitika.

sana maayos matatapos.

salamat sa pagkakataong ito.

ang part three

ang part three ay tungkol sa taong dapt naging kasama ko sa baclaran trip.

btw, it was bad trip after all. didn't push through.

the whole vacation, everytime na sumasagi yung idea sa isip ko...i will always end up with telling myself to have no expectations, no false hopes . pero maniniwala sa mga surprises na pedeng dumating sa buhay maybe not coming from him but from life itself.

malabokase cia eh. he is not permanently persistent. pasulpot-sulpot lang. and i don't understand kung ano ba talaga. he never said he is courting me. but his friends says he is. he is asking me out but malas lang talaga, wala pa natuloy sa mga balak namen. drawing kc yun eh.

nakaka alala lang pag gusto nia. pag nakakainom ata. hahaha

i don't know if he really is that torpe or just not that in to me.

kagabe, we were together with friends. sa bahay ng pinsan ko. me konte inuman. didn't drink kc pale pilsen ung ini-inom nila. he offered me a coke sakto. part pa naman ng diet ko ang hinde mag soft drink, pero hinde na ako nakahinde, nabili na nia. and helo, can i say no to him. No!

yesterday, was something. although not confirmed ang mga bagay bagay at hinde galeng sa kanya. Naconfirm ng mga friends nia. alam ko may something. i just know.

all of his friends na hinde ko kakilala, eh kilala ako at associated sa kanya. talk about something huh?
nakwento pa nia, yung bayaw joke nia sa kapatid ko.

maisip talaga akong tao, kaya ren siguro ganito ako.

actually, for the last three months hinde naman kame nagkikita eh. text lang. so it was my first time to see him again after three months. ang cute ng feeling. basta it was nice to see him smile. cute!

hindi ako kinikilig pero masaya ako.

but i know hanggang hinde confirmed alam ko na non-sense ang lahat ng ito. i have heard a lot of similar stories na katulad ng sa akin pero hinde maganda ang ending. It was all assumptions, making the girl on the loosing end.
i think 50-50 chance na pedeng sad ending ng istorya kong ito. but i will stay for a while, because i like what i i have now. i like this, even though i don't understand the full terms and condition of "this". kahet na ako lang ang nag-aassume na may "this". kc alam ko, pag wala namang nangyare magsasawa den ako.

i might get hurt i don't care, everybody gets hurt. lilipas den yung kung magkakataon.

i will just stay here for a while, still wait for surprises

malay ba naten na sa kakahintay ko sa kakupadan nia, makilala ko yung god's best ko

pedeng hinde cia...hehehe

basta

i know and understand perfectly the "this" situation i am into. i'll stay for a while.

well that's enough update for now.

part2

ang second theme ng vacation ko eh about life and motherhood.

can't belive my only single female cousin in the philippines, who is also the same age as me, is already married. I went to batangas to witness their simple civil wedding.

parang dream ang lahat. parang naglalaro lang. at pagdating ko dun, the afternoon before their wedding, kakabili pa lang nila ng ring kase akala daw nila di na kailangan ng ring pag civil wedding lang. oh di ba para silang naglalaro lang. they are just completing the requirements pero hinde ko alam if she or both them really know that their entering into a lifelong committment.

mahirap yung pinasok ng pinsan ko. i know napasubo ren cia. a baby is on the way na kase. but i know it was a decision na mahirap para sa kanya. ksae kilala ko yun eh. parehas kameng marameng dreams sa buhay. marameng gustong puntahan, marating, at maging sa pag lipas ng araw.

but she have a different path now. kc may aakayin na ciang little kid along the way at i add mo pa yung asawa nia. wow. major change ng plans.

well, i know she will learn to be mature along the way. i know that her husband will mature enough for the three of them. kilala ko naman yung mapapangasawa nia. medyo matagal na reng kakilala ng pamilya ko. and he is nice guy. mas marunong pa nga siyang mag luto kesa sa pinsan ko.

so that was the 2nd week.

the 3rd week was spent for buying candles and visiting the people who have left us earlier this year.

everytime i remember this people, nandun paren yung a feeling of sadness. naiiyak paren ako. and m hoping masaya sila sa kung saan man sila naroon.

mga updates ng buhay ko!

ang sabe ni aj, mag-update daw ako sa blog ko.

so eto na iyon...

malapit na matapos ang almost 1 month vacation from school ( 26 days to exact) and i may say that i did have a different vacation this time.

actually family ang theme ng vacation ko kc halos buong bakasyon ko was spent with or for my family.

the first week was different. I went to bohol for a week. Panglao beach kame nagpunta. I had some tan. Syempre brown na ako lalo pa akong naging brown. hahaha. Nakakita na ren ako ng tarsier and nakita ko ren ang wonderful chocolate hills

it was a nature trip. Sobrang parang wino-worship ko ang kagandahan ng beach, dahel talagang halos araw-araw ng stay ko dun nakababad ako sa tubig (8 days ako sa bohol).

Chocolate hills is better in real life kesa picture. Pucha! ang green ng paligid, yung feeling na you want to inhale-exhale more often para mapalitan ang hanging pumapaloob sa aking baga. pakshet sa ganda!

one sad story i heard while we were in one of the peaks para i view ang chocolate hills, and sobrang sama ng dating governor ng bohol kase pina-quarry nia ang isa sa mga hills. grabe naman yun. stupid things pipol do for money. pero at least na-impeach na yun.

so that was my bohol trip.

when i got back to manila, i spent the next five days buying pasalubong for families para ipadala naman sa canada.

pagkatapos nun, went back to batangas and attend ang super mabilisang wedding ng pinsan ko.

post ko na muna to.

baclaran trip

magsisimba tayo sa baclaran.
doon taos pusong magdadasal
magsisisndi ng kandila
makikiusap sa bathala

hindi ko alam kung bakit doon tayo pupunta
ang iniisip ko lang sana'y maging masaya
huwag namn sanang maging isang bad trip
ang ating baclaran trip

matatahimik lang ako
kapag lumipas na ang sabado
ewan, sana may saysay
sana ay may kulay

sana ang lahat ng ito ay maging totoo
sana hindi maging panagip na todo

happy birthday!

hapi bday to me!

masaya ako. i feel contented sa buhay ko.

thankful for my family, thankful for my friends.

thankful for every blessings that come my way

thanks kuya jesS!

masaya dapat bukas!

masaya bukas!

kahet ano mangyare.

i'll be celebrating my bday in advance. magluluto ako ng pasta and bibile ako ng pizza para masarap and dinner.

tapos may wine pa na dadalen c don. astig!

m celebrating 23 years of a wonderful life and adventurous love life!

yahoo! yipeee! yeheey! huray!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahaha!

back to square one...

walang akong pakialam sa kung ano man ang maririnig ko sa mga tao sa paligid ko.

walang akong pakialam kung nahihiya ka o natotorpe ka.

problema mo iyon, kaya wag mo akong idamay!

i have to stick to my decision. i really can't wait for you.

though i like you still, i just hope you know i can't be around, can't be free forever. i am sorry.

i like you and i know you like me too. but please do something about it...

i hope you can do something about it.

i might be waiting or i rather not

but please...

i love myself more!

he is not that into me!

enough said.

i guess this is where i stop making excuses for him. I like it this way. It is so liberating.
officially i am now free from waiting for that someone to notice me again.

i know what i want. and i think i cannot get that by waiting for him. he cannot give it to me, so i have to move on.

good for me.

you may have like me, yet still your liking me is still not that big for you to be that into me. I still like you, but i love myself more. so i have to free myself from the hassle of again falling into somemone not gonna be able to return that feeling. i don't hate you for not liking me back or liking me as much as i like you. i know i just have to stop hoping for something that is not happening.

all that i want to say is thank you, at least you acknowledge me.

remember, i don't hate you, nor have regrets on all the things i have done. It would have been nice if we did try, but i think you will not try. I am not bitter about the situation.

You see, this not about you. I just have to move on because i realize that i love myself more.

I am free so don't worry about me.

ang hirap maka konek

i have been trying to connect to the internet for the last two hours through a dial up modem sa apartment, pero i have finally given up.

lumabas ako at pumasok sa isa sa mga internet shop.
bwist. bago pa naman ung internet card ko.

ang hirap maka connect, mas madalas na busy

parang pag konek din yan sa tao
mas madalas busy ang taong kausap mo kaya mahirap minsan magkonek ang usapan nyo.
minsan kahit anong paghahanda ang gawen mo, pag praktisan man ang mga linyang sasabihen ay mawawalan paren ng saysay dahil ang mismong taong kausap ay nanatiling sarado ang utak.

bwisit. nakakaubos oras. nakakapagod.
eh pano kaya kung ako naman ang busy o sarado ang utak.
bakit kailangan ako lang ang nakikibagay.

hmmm. ano nga kaya?

hindi ko ata kaya...hindi ko kayang magpakababa tulad nila.
iisipin ko na lang na ako ang normal.
gagwin ko lang ang tama
hindi aasang magbabago sila

bahala na. bahala na.

to forgive or not to forgive

forgiveness ang gospel kanina.

m not sure i am good at this.

ika nga ng isang comercial, " to fogive, of course, to forget mahirap but i'm trying"

that is how exaclty i am everytime i need to forgive someone. Madaling sabihen pero mahirap kalimutan.

forgetting is a big chunk of forgiveness. one cannot say they have forgiven if one cannot have not fully forgotten that specific act or wrongdoing.
our memory has always been our greatest enemy, it never failed to remind us the details of certain act and all those bad feelings that is within that specific memory.

ako ang isang taong may short term memory lost pero pagdating sa mga ganyang bagay, isa ako sa mga taong mahirap makalimot.

kaya nga parang nahihiya ako humingi ng forgiveness sa prayer ko, hanggang hindi pa ako handa magpatawad.

haay naku mahirap pumilit ng ayaw, sana sa mga susunod na araw magiging madali na ito.

malapit na bday ko!

twelve days from now, i'll be celebrating my 23rd bday!

ang saya! another year has passed and andameng nangyare. marameng mga memories akong babaunin from 22nd year of my life.

many things have change, even my perspective in life has changed. even on the way i see people. as much as my experienced has taught me, i know i see better now.

mas kilala ko na ang mga tao sa paligid ko. now i am more careful and more considerate for other people. hindi na ren ako ganun masyadong nagtitiwala sa mga tao at bagay na dumarating sa buhay ko.

ganun pa man, masayahin pa rin akong tao. i would always be thankful for the small things that god has blessed me.

thank you!

in need of a better life?

i have been stressed out lately. i have pressured my self to study better this 2nd grading period. i need to alleviate myself from my mediocre grade.

My parents does not make think like this. They don't even care on what those numbers mean, i know all that they really want in the end is a doctor for a daughter. They don't really care whatever number would reflect on my transcript, all they want to see after are the initials M & D after my name.

My problem is not coming from my environment, but from the inner me that tells and believed so much as to the numbers i see from this papers. Actually, i should be far more concerned on wether i understand all of these diseases rather than believe so much on these results that would reflect only the proficiency of my memory or more specifically the ability to recall short term information.

but these numbers are my gauge as to whether i am doing my part as a student or not. These numbers tell me that i should work hard more and that i should not stop for the prognosis of my future patents is at stake.

too much the drama. well two hours from now, i would received one of the exam results. I am hoping i pass. i am hoping i pass.

as for my organization, there is too much work that we should be doing. and i hope my orgmates realize this.

as for the lighter side of life. all i want to say is that i will be waiting. I have done my part and now all that is left for me to do is to wait for you. I just want you to know, that right now there is nothing much i can do but this. It will be up to you to do something for us to take a step higher or elevate the level of our friendship into something more interesting. I hope that you would realize sooner, that you do not have to be better than me. There is no competetion here. For actually right now, with all the things that are happening, from all the things that you are saying you are actually one of my favorite guy in the world next to my father. i am not someone great nor perfect. i want you to know that, even if it is hard to beleive, that in this aspect of my life my wishes are simple. so please, get enough courage to approach me rather than confess all of these things to the people around us. please.

how can i buy your story?

sa totoo lang i don't buy your story...
pero ang nakakatawa, may isa akong kaibigan na sobrang realistic tumingin sa lahat ng bagay and yet she believes you

imagine that.

ngayon, gusto ko man maniwala, ayaw ko paren.

pero i will still be nice and be open for whatever is next to come.

thanks...at least ngayon nakabalik ka na sa circulasyon...salamat ulet!

Message ko para sa iyo

this is the supposed message na iiwan ko sa kanya
m still gathering all the courage that i need para maibigay ko ito sa kanya.

weird and sitwasyon.
nawala ka all of a sudden. it must have been a month when i tot you ask me out sa text. after a few days of text you were gone. was the message not meant for me or i was just assuming things...basta weird na after, you don't seem to reply sa message ko no. . .

kung hindi kita kaibigan, i would think na isa ka sa mga taong gago na nang titrip lang. but friend kita, kaya i know that you probably have some reasons behind it.

ala lang i just it would have been nice getting to know you better.
enjoy life!
take care!

alam ko if send this message to you, the possibilities of us being more close would be non-existent. kase alam ko na mas lalo kang maiilang at lalayo.

but i have to let you know this...

ewan ko. pag iisipan ko ulet.

kailangan kong burahin

hindi ko alam kung bakit kinailangan kong burahen lahat ng mga mensahe nia sa telepono ko. hinde ko alam pero, nainis ako. Parang isang kumpirmasyon ang narinig ko kay Gau, at malaki ang hinala kong tama siya

tama siguro ang ginawa ko. nakakadismaya kase akala ko siya ang magiging bagong simula ko. akala ko ayos lang na uamyon sa daluyong ng alon sa dagat. Mahirap mangaminin, at kulang man ako sa mga bagay na maaring magpatunay ng aking hakahaka, alam kong biktima na naman ako ng maling akala. dapat sanay na ako sa ganitong sitwasyon, dapat alam ko ng umiwas o kumilitis sa mga taong totoo at seryoso, kumpara sa mga taong mababaw at tuso.

ayos na den. nangyare an ang mga dapat mangyare. pinahintulutan ng taong makapangyarihan ang mga ito marahil sa dahilang siya lamang ang nakakaalam. mahirap mang unawain pero ganun paman, alam kong may paraan siyang ipapamalas sa akin upang maging malinaw ang lahat. At sa pagkakataong yaon, mauunawaan ko ding para sa ikakabuti ko ang lahat ng mga nangayayari ngayon.

para sa iyo, isa ang masasabi ko "Thanks, but no thanks!"

wala akong kiber

mahirap pag nawalan ka ng kiber sa isang bagay

yun ang nararanasan ko ngayon
sa sobrang inis ko, nawawalan na ako ng kiber

pagod na ako
pagod na ako
sobrang pagod na ako
sobrang pagod na ako


pero dahel mahal ko ang ginagawa ko
hindi ko iindahin ang pagod.
hindi ko papansinin ang puyat

alam kong di mawawalan ng saysay ang buhay

nakakainip

naiinip ako
sa kahihintay sa isangbagay na hindi sigurado
nabwibwiset ako dahel naghihintay ako
dahil hinihintay kita

sana hindi ko na lang napapansin ang oras
sana hindi ko napapansin na mabagal ang panahon
na may pagkamabagal ka umusad
pagong ka na atang tuwiran

bwiset
bwiset
bwiset

naiinis ako dahil hinihintay kita
hindi ko makuhang mauna
magpaparamdam sana ako
pero naisip ko
bakit natitiis mo ako
ganun ba yun, kala ko ba seryoso

gusto kong isipin
marami kang pinagkaka abalahan
may bago ka na atang trabaho
marami na ata nagbago sa buhay mo
sana isama mo ko
sana isa ren ako sa mga bago sa buhay mo

hindi kita kayang tiisin
malamang pagkatapos nito
magpaparamdam ako
mangungunang mangamusta
at sana naman
sa pagkakataong ito
sumagot ka.

at kahit hindi
maghihintay ako
kase yun ang alam ko ngayon
ang manguna at maghaintay

dahil balang araw
umaasa akong
aayon sa atin ang panahon
aayon sa ating tadhana
walang nang hintayan magaganap
sabay na lang natin
haharapin ang bukas

sa wakas balik normal na ang buhay ko!

sa wakas natapos na din ang isang buwan ng paghihirap.

sa ngayon alam ko, na may mga bagay sana na naiwasan kung ang mga ito ay pinag - isipang mabuti. may mga bagay na na isa ayos ng maayos, pero ganun talag hindi lahat ng tao matutuwa sa pag hihrap mo dahil talaga namang totoo hindi mo kayang i please ang lahat ng tao

hindi natin kayang sabihin na pare prehas ang gustong makita ng mga tao

pero ako, sa totoo lang masaya ako at thankful sa mga taong nakasama ko
masaya ako mababit at masisipag ang mga taong nakatrabaho ko

gusto ko reng pasalamatan c dr. a dahel sa lahat ng ka toxic-an na kanyang ibingay natuto akong magpursige sa buhay med...hehehe

mamaya uuwe ako ng bahay, matutulog ako sa aking kama at nanamnamin ako ang sarap ng panaginip.

kung may bago mang pagsubok na darating bukas, hindi importante iyon

ang mas mahalaga ay makabawe ako ng lakas...para bukas may tunay na ngiti namamumutawi sa aking labi!